Fears. Doubts. Frustrations.
I lost myself in your lies.
Betrayal. Deceit. Pretentions.
Has it been long? Or just now?
I’m letting you go not because I hate you.
I’m letting you go because I love myself more.
I stood behind him caught in between letting go and fighting for our love. I loved him so well but I can see his love fading away. I want to embrace him tight and tell him how much he means to me. He is my world, my mornings and my nights; he has been the sun where my life revolves, gives me warmth and light up my world. He was my one great love, and I thought I was his.
I am tired of fighting. I grew tired of the coldness. I already feel so defeated; I am tired of hoping, my heart’s already breaking. I’m setting him free, I called his name in 1, 2, 3. What’s worse than seeing him from behind is looking at him face to face. Looking at how he mends all my weariness with his smile, and how his eyes makes me feel like home. He looked at me and asked to hold my hand and as he walked closer, I looked away and refused. It felt like I was being sucked into a blackhole with all the forces of the universe pulling me closer to him, his presence is more powerful than magnet; it’s stronger than gravity.
He lowered his hand and nod his head. Tears fell down from his eyes, and he said he was sorry. He said sorry for hurting me; he was sorry for caring less. He was sorry for taking me for granted and was very sorry for cheating on me. He bursted into tears and kneeled down repeating the words “I’m sorry, I’m stupid, I’m sorry, please forgive me, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. I closed my eyes and my tears just flowed while the warm wind blew through my cold face caressing my hair with its breeze.
I asked him to stand up because I didn’t want to see him this way. I had always seen him as the strong one; I looked up to him for being a man, firm, honest and with authority. The sight of him breaking down in front of me, in tears and mumbling the words “I love you” and “sorry”, made me feel very weak from the inside. Why does it feel like I’m hurting him when in fact he was the one who did me wrong?
He looked up to me and caught my eyes, his brown eyes that used to looked like the reflection of the sunset now looked like a cold evening full of torture and pain. I can see how he is hurting and how he suffers from the pain. I wish it’ d never have to be like this.
Forgiveness, broken trust, betrayal. I want to but I just can’t for now, maybe I can’t forever.
I’m setting him free. I cannot fix him for being broken and he cannot fix me for being broken-hearted. He made me doubt myself and the love I can give. He made me believe that I was not enough and that what we had was not enough. He turned our special memories into memories of the past, he chose to trade our long relationship for a moment of temporary joy. He made me feel like I was the one who made a mistake and tore this relationship apart. He made me feel pity because he chose to cheat on me. Once, twice, many times; how could it be any different? Inside me I asked what if he liked it and do it again. What if he was even doing it more than what he was saying to me? Why would he even do it in the first place? Doubt. Fears. Frustrations.
I’m letting him go not because I gave up on him. I’m letting him go to set myself free. Free from the lies and deceptions and broken heart and crying. Though I loved him so well, we both deserve to breathe. We both deserve each other’s peace. More than anything, I deserve respect. I deserve happiness.