I wanted to write something about death but realized that I have no substantial experience and much knowledge about it, and I don’t think I have enough wisdom to talk about such phenomena or philosophy whatever it may be. So to get these things off my chest, I decided to write death a letter.
In the past few months, I have been thinking so much about you, and how you have managed to have taken away so many people I know in just a matter of 6 months. I know it’s nothing for you, like it’s the usual; it’s what you do. But please know that my heart bleeds every single time you take away someone from me and from the people close to me.
May it had been my close friend’s Dad, or my highschool classmate, or my friend’s grandmother or my bestfriend’s father, also my close friend, a new friend and my mentor, my distant cousin, my mother’s sister-in-law, I can’t help but cry deep inside not because you have taken them to eternal life where they can rest in peace, but because they all have left behind people that loved them dearly. I know all I have is sympathy for bereaved, which I do not, by any means, have the right to feel so much affected because I’m not directly related. But seeing someone being left behind, for good, and feeling their longing for their dearly departed, breaks my heart into so many pieces. I shed tears from the heart because I feel the pain from within my soul.
It’s just funny how by at any random circumstances you find us and take us away. Whether we are in our deathbed, lying sick, or in our prime, trying to live to the fullest, or recovering from a disease, or from life’s terrible twist of fate, or finally finding our purpose, you can take us away, just like that. I cannot question what you do because you are meant to do it for reasons only you and God knows (are you God?).
I don’t fully understand you, but I don’t think I have to. What I can take away from all these sad moments are the enlightenment and values you have partaken upon us; your ways of teaching us may have been very painful, yet it is our foundation and substantiation for this existence. I have learned that death is all about acceptance; that no matter how hard the circumstances are, how unacceptable it may become, we have no choice but to accept it: accept it fully and move on. Death is accepting that nothing is permanent. Only at your mercy that we appreciate life and the small things that it is all about; to love and care for people around us, and to spend time with them because it might be the last chance. You have taught us in the hardest way, that no matter how small we think of our life and our relationships, it matters, that our small existence matter, to God and to others.
I know for sometime now, that you are always just around the corner. I have never feared you; I am only afraid of the pain and sadness you can cause me and my loved ones, the pain death can create in my family’s heart and mine. I am scared that you might take away my loved ones, I am not scared of being taken away. If only it is possible to transfer all my love for them into a special kind of joy when I come face to face with you, I will be willing to go. But the fear of putting in so much pain into them, makes me want to continue living to put even more joy into their lives. I know I have no right to demand anything from you, that my death has already been written. What I want to tell you is, please let us all live a good life while we can.
When my time comes, I want it to be a peaceful and pleasant one, or maybe my peace will come after, whatever. I want to be cremated 24 hours after my heart and brain shuts down, no embalming or no public viewing. I want a simple memorial, a small altar at home with my urn and a really good picture of me. It should have many flowers and candles that it would look very lively. I don’t want to hassle my family, so it’s only gonna be one day, and then my ashes would then be spread in the ocean where I believe I truly belonged. I want it simple, fast and easy. I don’t want people to mourn, I don’t deserve such. When I die, I’d be in a so much better place, and there is no reason for sadness and tears. I will only ask for continued prayers for me and especially my family. I want my death to strengthen people’s faith in God and His love.